


See Me

by BringTheFandom



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Coming Out, Dan Howell - Freeform, Dysphoria, FTM Dan Howell, Gender Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phil Lester - Freeform, Self-Harm, Trans Male Character, trans!dan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2019-02-15 18:53:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13037298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BringTheFandom/pseuds/BringTheFandom
Summary: Danielle was six when it started. She knew something wasn't right.Later she discovers she is the problem... because he is Daniel.





	1. Chapter 1

She was six when it started. She saw the boys in her class running around in their trousers and shirts, while she was wearing skirts and blouse tops. The feeling of jealousy hit her whenever she saw them, wishing she could wear what they wore, it wasn't fair!

\---

When she was seven she flat out refused to wear the skirt and blouse top, screaming and throwing a tantrum every morning until her mum gave up and let her wear the preferred trousers and shirts. She felt amazing for a while, she was like the boys now! She tried to play with them but they laughed, pointing at her.

"No! You're a girl" They said, with which she responded with, "I'm not! Look, I'm wearing the boys clothes just like you are.." But they just laughed more and told her she was a girl because her hair was long passed her shoulders! From then on she cursed her long, brown curly hair even if her mother loved it.

\---

She turned eleven and her mother was extremely excited the morning of her birthday for some reason. She trudged down the stairs that morning in her batman onesie, was sat down on the chair beside the window and had a box dumped into her lap. Opening the first few was tiring enough. Nail polish, basic makeup, 'The worlds best girl' top and leggings. She knew everything would get pushed to the back of her drawers, never to be used but she put on a fake smile and acted thankful. The only gift she got that she might use was a pair of black straighteners to tame the curls of her hair. Everything was good, she'd opened her gifts and cards - pink, glittery and way too girly for her - and she stood, ready to get changed for school. But her mum smiled widely, shaking her head and motioning for her to sit back down. "One more sweetheart!" She said, passing the small package over. She eyed her mum for a few seconds before looking at the package, deciding it couldn't get much worse.

Oh, how wrong she was.

She ripped through the paper, holding up the contents. Colour instantly drain from her face, a sickly feeling rising in her gut at the sight. "What's wrong? Don't you like it? You're growing up into a big girl now, you'll need it!" Her mum said encouragingly. No reply came as she dropped the object to the ground and stood, running up her room as fast as she could.

It was a training bra.

She threw herself onto her bed, tears already streaming down her face. A bra. She wasn't stupid, she was eleven after all, of course she knew what bras were for. The past few months she had noticed her chest getting the slightest, tiniest bit bigger but she tried her best to ignore it. She wasn't supposed to get boobs! Even the idea of getting them made her feel uneasy, like her body wasn't hers and that she was supposed to have a different one. But she knew how stupid that sounded, nobody would ever believe her so she didn't try to tell anyone.

Her mum came to check on her, but she told her she just felt unwell. She stayed off school that day, curled up in bed and worrying about growing up.

\---

When she was twelve she'd had enough. Three years ago she'd asked her mum if she could get her haircut short, so she could be like the boys. She never mentioned the end part though. Her mum refused anyway, brushing it away every time she asked with, "No, Danielle. I've said it before, your hair is beautiful. There's no reason to cut it!" She didn't want to argue so she didn't respond back, just repeating the question every few weeks.

One day, a few days after her birthday she paced her bedroom nervously for hours before tentatively making her way down the stairs. Her mum was sat in the living room, watching some dating show on the telly. She let out a sigh, pausing the show as she saw her daughter slip onto the seat beside her. "You hate these shows, there's no way you're here to watch it. What do you want?" Her mum asked and she fidgeted, looking down at her legs.

"Well I just... I know I ask all the time but I'm eleven now mum. Can I get a haircut? Please? Like, it can be a late birthday present.." She said quietly, looking up at her mother who sighed and shook her head. "You're still on about this? Really? Whatever Danielle, I'll take you to the salon tomorrow, so you'll finally stop pestering me about it."

She smiled so wide that her face could have split, hugging her mum before she ran up the stairs to plan what haircut she wanted. This was the happiest she'd been in years.

\---

She wasn't happy. When she got home the next day she went straight to her room, ignoring her mum completely. She broke down completely. Tears streaming continuously from her eyes as she punched anything close enough.

The hairdresser was ready to cut when her mum had whispered to her and the lady had nodded silently before going on to cut her hair. Her mum had told her not to go shorter than her shoulders, which wasn't even short. It was long and girly and stupid and wrong! Everything girly felt wrong, everyday since she wanted the clothes like the boys felt wrong, everything feeling even more wrong since she got that stupid bra.

She wiped her tears viciously, standing from where she was sat on the ground to her bed where she collapsed. Pulling her phone out her pocket she opened google, staring blankly at the home page as she thought about what to type.  
'I feel like my body's wrong, I prefer boys stuff over girls stuff.' She eventually searched, wiping more falling tears as the results loaded.

The page loaded and she stared at it, not understanding most of the words on the screen. She clicked the first result that came up, biting her lip a little. 'The girl who became a boy.' The article was called. It was interesting to read, enough to catch Danielle's attention.

Was this what she felt? She went back to the results page and clicked on the second article, 'Transgender people - KidsHealth.' sighing as she started reading, not skipping a single word.

\---

The next day she woke up her alarm and rubbed her eyes, tired after being up until early hours reading article after article. 'Transgender'. That word described her perfectly, it was exactly what she felt. But she saw how many peoples parents responded badly, kicking them out even!

She decided to stay quiet, getting dressed into her uniform for school before moving to the bathroom to do her teeth and hair. Looking in the mirror she sighed, putting her hands over her chest and tried pushing it down. She was only eleven but she'd started growing quickly after she hit ten, which lead to some chest growth. Not huge, but enough for her to notice. She frowned, looking at her reflection as she tried different stances to make it seem smaller. Hunched over, pulling her shoulders in a little seemed to work the best.

She made her way downstairs with her bag, passing her mum without a word. No breakfast, she didn't even come down for tea last night but her mum didn't say anything. Her mum wanted to say something, she could see something was going on with her daughter but she didn't know how to ask.

"Oh Danielle..." She said quietly, resting her head in her hands as the door closed behind her daughter. Her hands had been badly bruised, obviously cut and had bled at some point since last evening. Helpless, that's what she left. She didn't know how to help her own kid...

Little did she know it was worse than she thought. Her little girl might have only been twelve years old but she had started harming herself in attempt to try dull the pain she felt inside, as somewhat of a coping mechanism.


	2. Chapter 2

Not long after her thirteenth birthday was it. When she'd had enough, couldn't take it anymore. Her mum was holding a party for her, a late birthday party. Lots of people were there, grandmas, granddads, cousins and other relatives who she'd never seen before. To say it was horrible was an understatement.

She. Her. Princess. Baby girl. Lady. It didn't stop and it was getting too much for her, the fake smile she put on became more obviously fake with each name. It was her grandma that threw her over the edge, hugging her tightly before holding her arms to look at her. "Oh Danielle! Where has my little girl gone? You're a grown woman now, look at you!"

Her breath caught in her throat and adrenaline pumped through her as she snapped, not able to keep it up anymore. "Stop it! Just shut up already!" She yelled as she pulled herself from her grip, the room falling silent as everyone turned to look at the source of yelling. "Just stop! You don't understand, stop calling me that! I'm... I'm not!"

Without waiting for anything or someone to say something she ran out the room, upstairs into the bathroom. Her breathing was heavy, fast and tears fell from her eyes as she looked into the mirror. She reached up, pulling at her hair and wished she just pull it all out.

After a few seconds she made her decision, wiping the tears from her cheeks before opening the cupboard to grab a pair of scissors. Taking a deep breath she grabbed a handful of hair, putting the scissors around it before releasing the breath and closed the scissors. Hair fell around her feet and she let out a shaky breath, smiling the smallest bit at herself in the mirror.

Wiping more tears she started cutting the rest of the hair, it wasn't the neatest due to her shaking but it looked and felt amazing. She had short hair and looked less like a stranger in the mirror. The scissors fell into the sink when she finished cutting a fringe at the front and she lowered herself onto the floor.

She crossed her legs, head in her hands as she cried with a mix of emotions. Anger, happiness, relief and stress. The bathroom door opened and she heard a small gasp followed by seconds of silence. "Oh, sweetheart... What have you done, Danielle?" Came her mums voice and she let out another loud cry.

"No, mum. I'm not, stop it! I c-can't anymore, I'm not D-Danielle mum. I can't do this a-anymore, I-It hurts..." She managed to get out, tears rolling faster down her red cheeks. There was no reply but she felt her mum sitting down beside her, pulling her towards her in a hug. "What do you mean? You need to talk to me... I want to help you but I can't if you don't talk about it..."

She nodded, letting herself cry in her mums arms for a few minutes before taking deep breaths to calm herself. "I don't... I don't feel like a girl mum... M-My body, it feels wrong and disgusting to m-me." Hands gently moved to her cheek and wiped the tears that still fell. "It hurts mummy... It h-hurts so bad. I'm not a g-girl, I was supposed to be a boy... I c-can't pretended to be a girl anymore..."

"Oh, my baby..." Her mum said softly, gently rubbing her back as she let out a sigh. "Thank you for telling me. I love you no matter what, okay? And I might not know how to help right now, but we'll figure it out. I promise, you're so brave. My brave little boy..."

"Thank you mum, I love you too..." A smile appeared, tears now happy tears. "Can you... Can you call me Daniel, or Dan for short? It's like the male version of D-Danielle... Also he and him instead of she, her..?"

"Of course, sweetheart. I'll try my best, I'm sorry if I mix it up because it'll be confusing at first but I promise I'll try my hardest." She said, to which Dan smiled and nodded. "Alright... now how about I fix this? You've missed some parts near the back, but I like the style."

Dan watched as she took the scissors from the sink, moving to the back of his head. "Did I upset Grandma?" He asked quietly as he watched her cut small bits of the back of his hair.

"I asked everyone to leave, they were doing my head in anyway." She said, both of them letting out a small laugh. "But she didn't seem to upset, just muttered something about 'teenagers' as she made her way out. She'll get over it." He nodded, running his hand through the back off his hair as his mum finished fixing it.

It would all be okay.

\---

Not long before his fourteenth birthday he was giving the all clear to start blockers. They would have been more useful a few years before, as he already had some chest growth and had started his period just months ago. But he was glad to get them none the less, they would stop his periods and he had gotten a binder not long after the talk with his mum which flattened his chest.

He was currently sitting in the doctors room, anxiously bouncing his leg as the doctor went over the list of things blockers would do and possible side effects. Of course he already knew everything, spending days and weeks researching them and dreaming about the day he would. T would have been better, but he's been told after a year on the blockers they could start talking about it.

"Dan, are you listening?" He heard his mum call, drawing him from his thoughts. "The doctors ready now, he asked if you could lift your sleeve." Dan nodded, lifting his sleeve as he looked at the needle expectantly.

"Excited, are we?" The doctor said with a smile, drawing the liquid into the needle before nearing his arm. "Okay, It'll be like a small scratch and over in seconds. If you look away it might feel less painful as you can't see it." He explained, nodding as Dan informed him he wanted to see it.

There was a small sting and he scrunched his face up a little, relaxing it when the needle was pulled out. "Congratulations, all done! We'll get you back in here in three months for your next one." He said as he put a small plaster on, moving to take off his gloves and wash his hands.

"I did it mum! Did you see? Finally!" He smiled wider than his mum had seen in years, putting his hand over the area with the plaster. She nodded, smiling at her son. "I saw! I'm so proud of you, my brave little boy..."

Dan stood from his chair, moving to hug his mum tightly. "Thank you mum, I love you..." He said, smiling up at her. She brushed some of his hair out of his eyes and kissed his forehead. "I love you too, sweetheart. Now let's go meet your father and brother for a celebratory lunch, yeah?" He nodded happily and they thanked the doctor before leaving the room.

\---

It didn't stay good forever, of course. A few months after his birthday, now fourteen years old, he lay in bed. Not in a relaxed way, however. His body was covered in bruises, scratches and scrapes. Some boys from his year had been teasing him about how he wasn't really a boy, how he would always be a girl to everyone else. When he tried to insist other wise, that he really was a boy they claimed that since he wasn't a girl anymore they could justify beating him up now.

Then they proceeded to beat him. Painfully. Harshly.

And now here he was, locking himself inside and too scared to leave. It was stupid, he knew but most of his year would have heard about it by now. Everyone would probably be talking about it, how he got beat to nothing and wasn't able to fight back. God, could he just delete himself?

"Sweetheart? I've got a sandwich for you, I'm coming in..." He heard his mother call from behind the door and he sighed, pausing the video he was was watching. Her face appeared from behind the door and gave him a small smile. "It's chicken. With barbecue sauce."

"Thanks, sound great." Dan tried to sound enthusiastic, pulling his earbuds out as his mum sat on the edge of his bed. He took the plate she held out, wincing a little from the pain of the bruises as he tried to sit up.

"Still sore? You can have more paracetamol in... an hour." She said, checking her watch before looking back up to his chest area that was covered in a large hoodie and blankets, "You better not be wearing your binder, it wont help your ribs heal."

"I know, I'm not." He reassured her, taking a small bite of the sandwich.

"Promise?"

"I promise mum, it's over there."

She looked to his dresser which he had gestured to, where his binder sat on top of a pile of cds and books. "Alright, glad to know you're somewhat responsible." He sent a small glare in her direction, causing her to laugh a little and ruffle her sons hair. "I'm kidding, I know you're very responsible. I'm proud of you, Dan."

He nodded but didn't reply, feeling as if she had nothing to be proud. She didn't, he couldn't even defend himself like a guy should be able to do. He was pathetic. Stupid.

"Dan? What's wrong, you're spacing out a little. Does your head hurt?" His mums voice cut through the thoughts and he gave her a small smile, shaking his head.

"No, it's fine. I was just thing about how to catch up on work when I get back to school, there's going to be piles of it" He said, sighing at the fact that it was true. Even a day off was bad, apparently they only do work when you're off and you're left with heaps to catch up on.

"Which is in a week, you're not staying off any longer than that you hear me? So get some rest while you can, enough of this... NewTube." She said, giving him a pointed look which turned to confusion when Dan started laughing. "What is it? I'm serious Dan, you have to or-"

"No, Mum, its not that. A week is fine, its just... NewTube?" He asked, continuing to laugh as his mum rolled her eyes with a smile. "It's YouTube... and I haven't even been on it long. I'll come off in like, an hour and sleep or something."

His mum rolled her eyes once again before laughing as she stood up. "Whatever you say, Dan. Try have a bath, or a shower before you sleep. It'll feel good and help you relax, yeah?" He nodded, taking a bite of his sandwich. "Alright, I love you" She said while heading to the door, smiling as she watched Dan put his earphones back in before she closed the door behind her.


	3. Chapter 3

Going back to school wasn't as bad as he had made it out to be, he had imagined every single person would be staring as he walked back through the halls. In reality, nobody even glanced in his direction as he moved quickly through the halls to his classes. In fact, the morning passed without a problem.

But he still couldn't have been more relieved when the bell rang for lunch, students flooding out the classroom and disappearing to wherever. Dan didn't feel like eating, so he found an empty corridor near the science department and sat against the wall. 

The silence was soothing, just the occasional noises of machines whirling or doors opening and closing a few corridors down. He leaned his head back against the wall, trying to let his mind drift off so thoughts weren't constantly banging off the sides of his head.

With a small sigh he lifted his head off the wall, looking down at his stomach with a frown. He lifted the hem of his shirt slightly, gently tracing over the remains of the bruises with his fingertip. It still hurt, they'd hit and kicked him there the most. Too focused on tracing the outline he didn't hear the doors nearby opening, or the sound of voices.

"Oh no sweetheart," Dan jumped, instantly pulling his shirt down and looking up. "That looks like it hurts, what on earth happened?" His face flushed, instantly regretting not going somewhere surrounded by others.

"Go away..." He managed weakly, cringing at the sound of his own voice. Weak. Girly. Pathetic.

"But you look like you need help, you're injured!" Dylan, the 'leader' of the group, told him as his face twisted into a smile. "And we wouldn't dare leave an injured lady unattended." There came muffled laughter from behind him. Dan's face grew warmer as he stood up and grabbed his bag.

He tried to walk the opposite way but someone blocked his way. "Where you going, Miss?" They said and he shook his head, turning back to face Dylan who stood with a grin.

"Let me through." Dan said, managing to keep his voice somewhat steady as he stared down at the floor. 

"We're just trying to help you, who would hurt such a lovely girl?"

"Shut the fuck up! I'm more of a man than you'll ever be, you're a pretty bloody disgusting excuse for one. Move." Dan yelled at him, instantly regretting his words but he kept it together and pushed passed him harshly. There were a few seconds of silence as he walked down the corridor silently praying the door would magically get closer. 

Then came the laughter and he closed his eyes as he walked, willing them not to start watering. A force pulled him back and he stumbled, almost falling before he managed to balance himself. There were nine boys surrounding him. They were all bigger and stronger then him. He was just weak. Nothing. Pathetic.

"What was that?" Dylan asked, his face had a smile but Dan could see the pure anger in his eyes. He simply shook his head and looked down to his feet, unable to keep up the eye contact. "Oh I see, you forgot? Let's see if we can trick your little brain into remembering."

The sound of his head hitting the wall echoed through the corridors.

He let out a whimper at the contact and they all laughed. His hair was grabbed at the back, his head tilted back so he was forced to look into Dylan's eyes. 

"A man would be able to fight back. You aren't a man, Danielle. You never will be. Grow up, little girl."

His head hit the wall again.

And again.

And again.

Then it hit the floor.

He felt a kick to the head before he heard someone yelling and people running.

And then there was nothing.

\---

He moved schools after that. 

A teacher had been walking nearby and had heard them. By the time he reached Dan, he was passed out in a forming puddle of blood. Luckily there had been no severe injury, but his head had required stitches and he had to stay in hospital for a few days, just to make sure.

But that was months ago now. 

His new school was much better. He had some friends, people who actually called him by his name. It wasn't perfect of course, there were still horrible names and comments and teasing. But there was no physical harm done to him. Well, not from other people.

\---

"Mummm, we have to go now! We're going to be late, we have to leave now because there might be traffic and we'll be even more late and they'll tell us we missed the appointment and we'll have to wait ages for another appointment and-"

"Dan! Would you calm down? We aren't going to be late," His mum assured him, grabbing her keys from her bag. "Now come on, in the car." She laughed slightly as he ran out the door, having never seen him so excited to be leaving the house.

It had been nearly a year and a half since he had started blockers, which meant he might be given permission to start T very soon. Today he had an appointment with his gender therapist so she could make sure he was truly ready for this before they gave him the all clear. 

He knew he was ready, he had known he was ready since all the other boys his age started going through puberty and he didn't. He's been waiting for years and now its finally real and it's actually happening.

Dan smiled and laughed and sang along to every song that played on the drive there. This was the happiest he'd been in years, it was easy to see.

\---

The meeting was amazing.

Although he didn't get confirmation, she did give him a sly smile and told him to keep out for mail in the next few weeks. He was going to be ready to start T in no less than a few months! 

The car ride home all he could talk about was how he was going to have a deep voice and how  he was going to look manly and get muscles. To say he was excited would be an understatement, he was more than that. He tried to express to his friends how important and amazing this was but all he got was an unenthusiastic, "Yeah Dan, whatever." They didn't seem to care much, they just let him hang around with them at school and that was it. He didn't let it get him down, of course. 

Everyday he ran home to check the mail, sighing when there was nothing but he stayed positive knowing it would come really soon.

\---

Months passed with no letter, nothing. Almost almost five months passed with nothing at all. His mum tried calling but always got told the same thing. 

" _It'll arrive soon. Please be patient, we are very busy and your letter will be with you as soon as possible._ "

He could see it in his mums face every time he arrived home, eyes wide and curious. She shook her head with a sad smile before he would head up to his room.

Until one day he arrived home, gave his mum that same look and his heart pounded as she gave him a wide smile. 

"It's on the table beside the stairs." 

Dan grinned, hugging her tightly before dashing through the corridor. He grabbed the letter, running to his room and closing the door behind him.

 

He took a deep breath, looking down at the letter before tearing it open.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See notes for Trigger Warning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING!!!  
> Scenes of self-harm  
> If this is something you would prefer to skip, please scroll to the bottom for the last few lines which are free from such scenes.

Tears were everywhere.

This was wrong, all wrong.

He was supposed to be happy, this letter was supposed to change his life. It was supposed to say he could start testosterone. It was supposed to help him be a real man.

_'We regret to inform you that it has been found unsuitable for you to start hormone replacement therapy at this time. You will be contacted within a year to arrange a session to re-evaluate this decision...'_

Another year. He couldn't wait another year, it was too long. Too far away. He's stuck like this.

**Girly.**

**Disgusting.**

**Worthless.**

**Nothing.**

**Pathetic.**

**Stupid.**

**Weak.**

His throat stung yet he couldn't stop the sobs that escaped it. His chest burned with the breaths he didn't seem to be able to take in. His head hurt from all the thoughts he couldn't sort into making much sense.

There was a knock at the door, was that yelling? Who was yelling? Why?

Oh, he was locked in the bathroom. Did he do that? His head throbbed with all sorts of thoughts.

_'If you kill yourself now, you'll never prove them right. They'll never see that you are a real man.'_

_'Just die already. You'll never get on T, you're not worth it. You'll never be a man.'_

He gasped for air, viciously wiping the tears that still streamed down his face. Where did his mum keep her razors?

They were under the sink, he picked one up with shaking hands and started taking it apart. The yelling from outside the door got louder and louder but he could barely hear it, all he could hear was his own heart beat pounding in his ears as he finally got the blade out of the middle of the razor. He hadn't done this in nearly three years. But he wouldn't have to do it again, he'd be gone.

He sat on the edge of the bath after pulling off his school trousers, pushing the blade against the skin of his thigh. More room, he'd thought to himself. He squeezed his eyes shut, pulling the blade across the soft skin.

**Worthless.**

Another loud cry pulled from his throat as fresh tears rolled down his face. He pulled the blade across a fresh piece of skin.

**Pathetic.**

Blood dripped from his legs onto the floor, he felt briefly sorry for who ever would have to clean it. The blade found another place on his leg and he sliced into it again.

**Stupid.**

He wasn't going deep enough, there wasn't enough blood. He took a deep breath, trying to keep his hand steady as he went to push deeper and pull the blade down his leg and-

The blade was gone. His hand empty.

"NO! GIVE ME IT BACK! I NEED IT, I NEED-" Dan screamed, getting cut off by his own sobs. He couldn't see who was there due to the tears covering his vision but he could feel their hands over his legs, trying to stop the blood flowing. 

"Dan? Dan, can you hear me? I need you to stay still, can you stay still for me?" He heard, was that his mum? 

"No, please... please," He cried, yet he had no energy to move or refuse help anymore. "I just-I just want to die, please..." 

His mum shook her head, her hands shaking as she placed towels over his lap and put pressure down on them. "Dan, I need you to stay strong for me. My brave boy, I know you can do it. Yeah?"

"I'm not brave, I'm weak and stupid and-" Dan gasped in for air and he moved his hands to his face to wipe the tears falling from his eyes, not caring they were coated in blood. "I'll never be a r-real man, Mum."

"Daniel James Howell, you listen to me right now." His mum said, gently grabbing his face to make him look at her. "You are a real man, you don't need to do or take anything to prove that to anyone. The second you started being who you truly are you became one of the strongest and bravest young men I have ever known. Nearly sixteen years ago I gave birth to a little girl but there's never a second that goes by where I wish you were anything but my son. You've come so far Dan and nothing will ever stop me being proud of you. I love you so much, my brave little boy..." 

Dan couldn't say anything, more tears coming to his eyes as he nodded quickly. He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around her neck, crying into her shoulder. She smiled lightly, rubbing his back gently as tears of her own fell down her face. "Now how about we get all this cleaned up, hmh?" 

"Yeah.." He laughed shakily, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hands. "I'm sorry, for making a mess of the floor." 

"Oh don't worry about that, it needed a good clean anyway." His mum said, smiling lightly as she gently peeled the towel away to see his legs. "Alright, I think we're good. How about we get some disinfectant on that, bandage it up and you can go have a rest?" She smiled as he nodded, turning to grab the first aid box from a cabinet.

\---

Thirty minutes later and he closed his bedroom door behind him, leaning against it for a few minutes. The only reason he was allowed to be alone now was because he could tell his mum had sent either his brother or dad in to remove any 'dangerous' objects that he could use to hurt himself. Technically he could use anything to hurt himself if he tried hard enough...

But he was too tired for that. Dan quickly changed his boxers shorts, putting the blood covered ones in the washing basket before he sat down on the chair at his desk and turned on his computer screen. He didn't even have it in him to cry anymore. Tears fell from his eyes without his permission and he just let them as he focused on his computer. He found what he was looking for and clicked on it, leaning back and wiping his tears with his sleeve while he waited for the screen to load. 

When it did load he found himself already smiling. No matter how crappy the quality was, the videos and that voice always brought a smile to his face.

_"Hey guys! So today the weirdest thing happened..."_


	5. Chapter 5

Six months.

 

Six months had passed since then. Since he got told he wouldn't be able to start T.

Time passed slow and he still found it hard to deal with what happened that night. It felt like it was just a few days ago but in reality it was much longer than that.

He had gotten somewhat better though, he hadn't tried to take his own life since that night. The scars were still there, bright red and obvious. He didn't show his mum until a week after it had happened and the wounds still hadn't closed properly, she had thought that she should of taken him to get stitched up but he stated he wouldn't have agreed to it. 

Now he tried his best to not hurt himself. It didn't always work. There had been three times since then that he had hurt himself, although not an attempt on his life it still wasn't healthy. He tried his best, he really did. Sometimes people and school and dysphoria and his thoughts and just every thing got too much.

But he had Phil. Phil Lester. AmazingPhil.

Not long before that night six months ago he was scrolling on YouTube, bored with nothing to do and ready to give in to sleep. He came across a few videos by the name 'AmazingPhil' and clicked on them out of curiosity. From then on he was hooked. The boy with the black hair, blue eyes and charming personality quickly caught his attention. Watching him made him feel like he had a proper friend, someone who cared and made him laugh.

But Phil didn't even know he existed and never would

\---

Dan was bored. He had woken up at midday and played video games until he got bored of that before moving on to the computer. Scrolling through twitter got a notification that there was a new post. He clicked it and smiled as he saw it was Phil who had posted.

_'Hey guys. New video up really soon, hope you enjoy it! :P'_

A new video was just what he needed right now to cure his boredom.

He clicked on Phil's profile and clicked his tongue as he waited for it to load. When it loaded he scrolled, looking at all the videos he's watched hundreds of time before as he waited for the newest. Just around the time the video should have been posted he heard someone calling on him from down the stairs.

"Dan, are you listening? Can you come downstairs please?" His mum could be heard yelling from the bottom step.

"What is it?" He shouted back, looking towards the computer. "I'm kind of busy..."

"Daniel, get down these stairs right now." Damn, she was serious. "It's important, come on." 

He sighed a little, refreshing the page and when nothing showed he stood up from the chair. "Coming..." He muttered as he grabbed his phone and left the room, closing the door behind him.

\---

When he got to the top of the stairs he saw his mum standing at the bottom with an expression he couldn't quite place.

"What?" He asked suspiciously as he slowly walked down the stairs, stopping a few from the bottom where she stood. 

Oh god, had she found out about the other week when he nearly burned the house down by leaving the stove on? He was dead, so dead. He prepared himself for the yelling that was about to come.

But she just rolled her eyes at him and put a cereal bar in his hand, "Eat this and come to the living room please. I've noticed you've not eaten today. Remember, wrapper goes in the bin and not in your pocket for me to find when I'm doing the washing." With that she turned and disappeared around the corner into the living room.

"Haven't been hungry..." He said mainly to himself as he quickly ate the bar, going to the kitchen to throw the wrapper in the bin. As he neared the living room he heard voices, one his mum and the other familiar.

As he walked into the room, what he saw wasn't anything that he expected. There, on the sofa, sat his Mum and his gender therapist. The clinic was more than an hour away, what was she doing here? Should he be mad at her, was it her decision about him getting to start T or not?

"Oh, Dan. Hello, how are you?" The therapist, Pamela, greeted him when she noticed he had entered the room.

"Hello..." Dan said slowly as he moved further into the room, giving his mum a suspicious look before looking back to Pamela. "Not to be rude or anything but like... why are you here?" 

She laughed slightly and stood from where she sat, searching through her bag before pulling out what seemed to be a sealed letter. Turning back to Dan she had a serious expression and Dan's heart started beating faster as he got nervous. What was going on?

"Before I say anything else I would just like to give you my deepest, most sincere apologies for the pain and distress this may have caused you." She looked to Dan who slowly nodded, not sure what to think.

"Not long after your last appointment we got a new member of staff who was to deal with letters and documents," Pamela continued. "He was very new and as most people do when starting a new job, he made mistakes. Very serious mistakes which we are still dealing with."

_What?_

Sensing that Dan was still confused she explained further, "There was a mistake with names in the system. The letter that you received was meant to be sent to another young man named Daniel, not to you. I'm very sorry, we didn't notice until the other day when I was seeing when your next appointment would be."

_What?_

His mouth was dry. He cleared his throat before he spoke, his voice still coming out uneven. "So, that means?..." He trailed off at the end, as if saying what he thought was happening would make it all disappear.

She gave him a small smile as she handed him the letter she had taken from the bag. He took it with shaking hands and as he started opening it slowly she spoke up once again.

"Daniel James Howell, you have been given official permission to start Testosterone and begin your Hormone Replacement Therapy. Congratulations."

_What?_

 "Dan, are you okay? Do you need to sit down?" He heard his mum say after he started silently at the letter for who known how long.

"Mum..." He said quietly, his voice cracking slightly as he looked up with tears stinging his eyes and beginning to spill down his cheeks. "A mistake... It was a mistake." She gave him a soft look, understanding what he meant.

**He had nearly killed himself.**

**He had nearly died, all for a mistake.**

"Oh, look at you..." She said softly and pulled him into her arms as tears trailed down his cheeks, rubbing his back gently. "It's okay, Dan. It's all fixed, all better. I knew you could do it, I meant what I said that night. You are one of the strongest and bravest young men I have ever known. I'll always be proud of you, no matter what. You'll always be my brave little boy..."

Dan cried into her shoulder as she spoke before letting out a broken laugh. "It's all better... Thank you for never giving up on me, I love you Mum." He said with a smile as he pulled away slightly, wiping at his eyes to dry the tears.

"I love you too, Dan. Always." She said, pressing a kiss to his head and smiling down at him.

Once his face was clear of tears he cleared his throat before looking back to Pamela, who was still stood and she gave him a small smile. "Thank you, so much..." He managed to get out, his voice weak. 

"Oh no, please don't thank me. We would like to apologize further, we understand this has been a difficult time for you and we are the main source of this. So as an apology we would like to offer to cover all travel costs associated with traveling to appointments related to your transition. This includes fuel or tickets for any transport."

His mum laughed a little at this, nodding in agreement. The trips to appointments and back really burned through fuel, quickly adding up to a large amount of money. "That's great, thank you so mu-"

"I hate to interrupt," Pamela stopped her, "But that wasn't all. We would also like to offer to cover all costs of top surgery with any private surgeon of Dan's choice. If he decides to choose one abroad, we will also pay for flight and accommodation."

"You're... You're serious?" Dan asked, eyes wide with shock. He could go private and it was going to be paid for? 

"Oh my gosh... thank you so much, that sounds amazing." His mum thanked her as Dan was frozen to the spot with shock. "That means a lot, thank you for coming today."

"Oh that's no problem, don't worry about it." Pamela said, shaking her head as she picked up her bag. "A letter with appointments for blood tests will be sent out in a few days so it should arrive soon. We can discuss the top surgery at our next appointment. How does that sound?”

Dan let out another speak laugh and nodded while wiping away the last of his tears. “That sounds good, yeah.”

She smiled at him, giving him a nod as she picked up her bag and coat. “Sorted then. I’m afraid I have to be on my way now, would like to miss the traffic if I can.”

“Of course, of course. Let me show you out!” His mum said quickly, stepping forward. Before the left the room she turned to Dan with a smile. “You can go back upstairs, share the news with your friends or whatever you do up there all day.”

He nodded a little, smiling back as she left the room to show Pamela out. His friends wouldn’t care, there was no point messaging them about this. But he went upstairs anyway, smiling happily to himself for the first time in a while. Sitting down at his desk he took a deep to calm himself before he clicked on the open webpage for twitter and refreshed it. A new tweet appeared at the top from two minutes ago.

_'Video is out guys! Sorry it took so long, hope you enjoy :)'_

Dan smiled and clicked the reply button, quickly typing out a response.

_'got some amazing news today + new video? couldn't be happier'_

Satisfied, he clicked post before switching tabs to YouTube and quickly found the video. He clicked on it as fast as possible and relaxed into his seat as he watched with a small smile. 

\---

By the time the video finished his cheeks hurt from smiling and his throat hurt from laughing. He wasn't complaining of course, he loved the video. Taking a hold of the mouse he clicked back onto twitter again, noticing he had a few notifications. Fun. He clicked on them and within a few seconds all colour drained from his face. 

**'@AmazingPhil liked your tweet'**

**'@AmazingPhil re-'**

He didn't even pause to read the second notification, clicking straight on to the first one with wide eyes. They seemed to get wider as he noticed Phil hadn't just liked his tweet, he had replied to it.

' **@AmazingPhil:** _That's great! I'm glad you're happy and that I managed to make you extra happy!'_

Dan nearly had a heart attack on the spot. Today was going was unusually good, was he going to die soon or something? Why was the universe being nice to him suddenly?

Through his freaking out he shakily typed up another response, knowing he wouldn't be so lucky with another response but hopefully he would at least see it.

_'thank you, I'm glad too'_

Happy with it he posted it, turning off the computer before he moved to lay down on his bed. Thinking through the day he smiled, thanking whatever caused him to become so lucky. He lay on his back back, staring up at the ceiling as he closed his eyes and decided his mind needing a quick nap to calm itself down.

After all, this was the best day he'd had in years.


	6. Chapter 6

A week and a half later he was sat in the doctors waiting room, bouncing his leg as he waited to be called into the room. He was getting the blood tests that he needed to get done before he could start T, which he was more than ready for. His birthday was coming up really soon and he hoped that he could start it around the same time, some sort of a birthday celebration. 

The needle hurt, a stinging pain but he squeezed his mums arm and thought about how he would have to get used to the needles as that was how he wanted to take T. It was over before he knew it, a plaster over the small puncture and the confirmation he would get the results in a few days. 

"How'd you feel? Drained of blood, maybe?" His mum asked jokingly as they walked to the car and he laughed before shaking his head.

"No," He said, pausing as they climbed into the car. "I'm fine, a little tired but I'll survive."

His mum raised an eyebrow, letting out an overexaggerated sigh as she started up the car. "Oh, okay... Thought maybe you'd want some ice cream to make you feel better but if you're fine then nevermind."

She laughed at his yelling as she pulled out the car park, driving in the direction of the ice cream store.

 

\---

 

He got two letters in the mail a few days later, one an appointment for the gender clinic and the other his blood test results. The results were positive, he was medically cleared and ready to start testosterone. It felt so close and so far away at the same time. But he felt much better now, knowing that he was definitely on the way to starting T soon.

After reading through the letters with his mum he climbed the stairs, throwing the letters on his bed before letting himself fall into his desk chair. He reached over, pressing the power on button before sitting back while it loaded. His leg bounced as he watched the screen come to life, ready to lose himself in the internet for hours on end.

When it finally loaded he opened YouTube, clicking on a few channels he enjoyed to see if anybody had uploaded while he was out that day. Finding nothing he sighed and instead moved on to twitter, scrolling through the endless screen of people trying to tweet something interesting.

One name caught his eye, it was from Phil and was posted half an hour ago. He smiled happily as he read it, the post told him there was a video about to be uploaded soon. His mood suddenly changed and he sat up properly, buzzing with excitement and ready to see the video already.

After a few seconds he paused, the excitement suddenly gone as he wondered why he was even so excited in the first place. It was some guy he didn't even know uploading a video in the internet, why did that make him so happy? It wasn't even like the videos were directed at him either, they were for anyone to find. 

He needed to stop acting like this, he realized. His happiness shouldn't be coming from some random guy on the internet who made weird videos. This made him slightly mad at himself, he didn't need him to be happy.

So with that he logged off everything, shutting down his computer before he stood up. He pulled on a hoodie which lay next to his bed before he left the room, going to find himself something better to bring him happiness.

 

\---

 

A few weeks later was his appointment at the gender clinic, where they would finalize the decision for beginning testosterone.

It was a Tuesday so he got the day off school, not he minded of course, to go. His mum drove him, laughing as he basically bounced in his seat the whole way there. It was finally happening, could you blame him?

The past few weeks have been some of the best so far. After the whole realization with Phil he hasn't been on his channel or seen a video of his since. He started going out more, he even made a few friends at the park when he went for a walk the other day. They didn't know he was trans, they just thought he was a cis male. It felt amazing, he made friends and he was passing. Now he was starting T!

Waiting rooms were always quiet, but this time it felt almost too quiet. He could hear every tick of the clock on the wall behind him, emphasizing every single second that passed. Time almost seemed to slow, the minutes dragging on.

When his name was finally called he all but jumped out his seat, racing to follow them down the hall to the room. His mum trailed behind, shaking her head with a smile as she followed him in. 

"Hello Daniel, how are we feeling today?" The doctor asked with a smile as they both took a seat in the provided chairs. 

"Uhh... nervous?" He offered with a small laugh, rushing to continue. "But excited of course... yeah, I'm excited."

"Excited? I believe he's under exaggerating. Hasn't stopped buzzing around since the letter came through." His mum added and his face turned slightly red as he let out a whine.

"Well, it is an exciting time. Now you know you were cleared by the blood tests, correct? You should have gotten a letter?"

He nodded as his mum pulled the letter out of her pocket, placing it on the table where the doctor was sat. She picked up, briefly scanning over it before handing it back.

"Yes, this one. So you are aware you are now medically cleared to start testosterone, correct?" Dan nodded and she continued. "Good. But before we can begin stabbing you with the miracle needle, there are a few consent forms to fill in."

Turning to the desk, she reached for a folder before looking through it. Pulling out a few pieces of paper, she handed them to Dan and his mum. The documents highlighted the changes and risks that come with beginning testosterone, which he of course already knew by heart. 

They listened carefully as the doctor explained everything there was to know. It seemed to take forever before she concluded it all and pulled out after piece of paper.

"I believe you are in the right place to be starting testosterone today. These are the consent forms, we need a signature from Daniel and then from mum at the bottom."

He smiled over at his mum as he took the pen, happily signing the paper. Before he had already knew there was a possibility he could start today but he didn't want to have gotten his hopes up. But here he was, signing the form.

After all was done the doctor moved across the room, patting the medical bed as she moved to wash her hands. Dan didn't waste any time, already sitting on the bed in seconds. He watched as the doctor pulled on gloves and brought over a packet of needles. 

"Okay, now I'll show you how to ready the needle, you'll try one and then we'll do it for real. Sound okay?"

He nodded quickly and the doctor began explaining how to properly use the needles. After she had placed hers in the needle bin, she offered him the packet to try one. Without a mistake he got the needle ready, as if he was going to inject himself. 

"Good! Pop it in that bin, pull down your trousers a little and I'll go get the actual stuff." She smiled at them before taking off her gloves and leaving the room.

He put the needle in the bin, jumping off the bed to pull his jeans down to expose his thigh. Pulling himself back onto the bed he smiled at his mum, who was already looking at him with a smile.

"What?" He asked, tilting his head a little at the odd look she was giving him.

"What?" She asked back, walking over to place a kiss on the top of his head. "I'm so proud of you Dan, I love you."

He wrapped his arms around her stomach, hugging her tightly, "I love you too."

The door pushed open again and the doctor gave them a fond look. "All ready?" 

They both laughed, nodding and his mum wiped her eyes gently. "I think we've been ready for a long time."

Dan nodded in agreement and the doctor pulled on a new pair of gloves, walking over to the bed with a small box in hand. She opened it, revealing a small bottle.

"Here we go, how about you open the seal off that and we'll get started?" She looked over at his mum, "Are we filming this?"

"Dan?" His mum asked, "Would you like me to film it?"

"Umm..." Dan's face flushed a little as he nodded briefly. "Yes please.."

"Nothing to be embarrassed about!" The doctor declared as she took the now unsealed bottle from him and placed it on the bed. "A very important time, it's good to document so you can look back on it. Now here we go, ready the needle please."

He took a clean needle with shaking hands as his mum started filming, taking a deep breath to calm himself before more steadily assembling the needle. Once it was done correctly the doctor held the bottle to him, instructing him to pierce the top with the needle and as the needle was the correct dose to pull it nearly all the way back. 

"Good, now place the bottle down." He did that. "Right, I'll guide you with my hand. Here we go, we want the needle around... here. Is that okay? Are you ready?"

"Y-yeah..." Dan let out with a breathless laugh. It was actually happening. "How far in do I push it?"

"Until this top bit here of the needle disappears into the skin. But remember, do not inject right away. Now, whenever you are ready you can push the needle in. If you need help, I can do it for you this time."

"No, I can do it." He said determined to do this himself. His mum shot him a smile and he took a deep breath, counting to three. And he pushed the needle in.

"There we go, that's it." She patted his other knee gently, "Now, we want to... Daniel?"

"I did it! The needle is in me! Look!" They both laughed at him, it was amazing to see how much pure joy this brought him.

"You did it. One more step, draw the needle back a little more to check we're all good to go. Can you do that for me?"

He nodded, doing just that. "And... That's fine, when it looks like that you are safe to push the testosterone in. Whenever you are ready, young man."

Dan smiled at his mum, at the doctor, before at the needle in the leg. He closed his eyes.

It was finally happening. After years of pain and struggling. He was finally getting what he's always wanted. 

His eyes watered. He blamed it on the needle. It wasn't the needle.

He counted again. 

One.

Two.

Three.

And he pushed down on the top of the needle. 


End file.
